refrigerated smiles
by HereSometimes
Summary: i turn to walk back to my truck but edward calls out my name, warm and firm. "you hate me right?" a laugh blurts out of my chest before i can stop myself but it's okay because he's laughing too. from my stance in the parking lot i can see not more than lauren and his shiny white teeth. "it's okay. i'm not angry. that ice cold gaze of yours, it really exhilarates me."
1. Reconsider - The XX

**A/N: I've really been reading too much doujin. I won't be capitalizing anything besides the chapter titles and my author's notes because I'm slowly degenerating into a puddle of flesh. It's something both you and I will learn to live with.**

Reconsider – The XX

there are people on this planet for whom it is the most difficult thing to live on land.

i am one of them.

when i was a child vacationing in florida with my withering grandmother, there were many days where she'd call my mother in a frenzied fright, complaining to her of how she couldn't coax me out of the pool. i'd stretch beside the edge of the pool every night, watching the wind slightly lift the waves and then lay them down to sleep once again, listening to the relaxing ripples and the faint noise of my nana calling my name. there is nothing more peaceful, more comforting, more friendly than water. we were all born of the sea, of primordial soup. some of us have not yet adjusted to the dirt.

_push._

my arms break the surface of the water tenderly, like snapping a lover's broken nose into place. after turning my face so that my nose is in the air, i take a deep breath and propel myself forward. i could imagine the noise i must be making above, the splashing and the gasping but there is nothing under the water, only bubbles and bella.

_push._

the swimming club forks high school recently concocted is severely lacking in funding and fanfare, so much so that i am the only one swimming right now. the rest of the "team" has gone "home", or rather, they've gone out for burgers and fries. i'm left to swim laps without a coach or a lifeguard because everyone has gotten sick of my dedication. breaststrokes, backstrokes, crawlstrokes from one end to the other. beneath the surface i spit out all my emotions, my desires, my fears, my failures. beneath the surface i am wiped clean and allowed to emerge with a cool, wet mask in place.

the school bell rings, but there is no class in session. it's a quiet code the janitor and i use; the faculty has gone home and it's about time i do the same. i decrease the strength of my strokes so that im coasting along the small ripples, focusing on the feeling of the water caressing my skin. i close my eyes for just a few seconds; absorbing the last precious droplets of peace i can before going home to calamity. i swim to the pool stairs and climb out, listening to the sound of dripping water echo off the walls of the moldy room.

after slicking my wet hair back with my fingers, i grab my clothes off the nearby bench and throw them on, struggling with my shirt as it sticks to my wet skin. i haul on my backpack and head out the back door – the emergency exit would lead me straight to the parking lot – but it's locked from the outside. i turn back and walk through the hallways instead, moving as quickly as i can, hoping the janitor doesn't see me. but he does. just as i open the entrance doors and walk through them, his voice chases me down the hall.

"bella how many times do i have to tell you to _dry off _before you walk through these damn halls! i have a family waiting at home too you know!"

"sorry!" i call over my shoulder but he and i both know tomorrow will be the same ordeal. i never dry off, not after showering, not after swimming, not after walking in the rain. it's a process that will never make sense to me. i move swiftly towards my beat up old pickup, slightly invigorated by the cool air running through my wet scalp. water makes everything much more enjoyable. i feel crumpled and crisp as i shuffle towards my vehicle.

i hop into the cab and start the truck right away, knowing that i'm running on borrowed time. my mother and father will be arguing over their "trivial topic of the week" and my tardiness will only fan the flames – something i don't need. i have a hard enough time sleeping at night without their fires burning way into the wee hours of the morning. i reverse recklessly and swivel around before speeding towards the exit – only to slam my foot on the brakes. a silver volvo glitters in the soft pink twilight, parked across the exit space of the parking lot with what looks like no immediate plans to move. still, i give _him _the benefit of the doubt and wait a few moments before leaping out of my cab and slamming the door behind me. _he _is normally here when i'm leaving school to head home but hehas never been as much of a nuisance as he is now. this is quite ridiculous because i know _he knows _i'm here late. we've crossed paths in the parking lot numerous times due to our "afterschool activities".

as i approach the volvo i can hear a one sided shouting match ensuing – his latest victim sounds like a dying animal wailing it's last pleas for mercy.

"what is fucking _wrong _with you?! you were the one who asked _me _out you fucking freak! why would you do this to me?!" her sobs crawl through the humid air and linger. a worm begins squirming in my stomach but my cool, wet mask is still stuck carefully in place. in between her heaving i hear edward's sighs, thick and exaggerated. the fucking asshole.

"i don't like you anymore lauren."

"why?! what have i done wrong?!"

i'm almost there.

"i hate people who fall in love with me."

"_what the fuck are you even saying right now, am i joke to you?!"_

i bend down and lean against the closed passenger door.

"hey. you're in the way. i've got to get home." looking into the volvo i can see lauren's face swollen with grief and incredibly close to mine. she swipes at her tears quickly but remains focused on edward's apathetic face. he adjusts his rear view mirror before looking at me with a soft but sinister smile. i raise my eyebrows.

"ah. sorry." he doesn't look sorry at all.

"okay well hurry up and move, yeah?" i turn to walk back to my truck but edward calls out my name, warm and firm. i turn back to the volvo but make no move to get closer from where i'm standing. a strong breeze flows through the wet strands of hair hanging off my shoulders.

"you hate me right?" a laugh blurts out of my chest before i can stop myself but it's okay because he's laughing too. from my stance in the parking lot i can see not more than lauren and his shiny white teeth.

"it's okay. i'm not angry. that ice cold gaze of yours, it really _exhilarates_ me."

"what?" i move forward to better gauge his expression but lauren's croak of a voice reminds us of her presence.

"how dare you talk to somebody else when i'm sitting right here! i mean, what the fuck, i'm being completely disrespected!"

the volvo purrs to life and speeds off, sleek and quiet except for the sound of lauren's angry insults. i walk back to my truck, confounded by what just happened, and drive home.

the small space of tranquility i'd achieved from my afternoon swim is instantly destroyed once i walk across the threshold of my home. far off to my left, from the kitchen i hear my parents well into their nightly argument, screeching at each other like a couple of barn owls in heat.

"bella, is that you?" my father calls, "what are you doing home so late? i called jessica stanley's mother and she said jessica came home around four!"

"don't change the fucking subject charlie! you never consider how i feel, all you do is talk and talk and talk!"

"oh yeah! well all you do is fucking _yell, _who do you think i'm working this hard for?! you ask and i try to deliver but you're never fucking satisfied reneé!"

i dash up the stairs before they can pull me into their argument and hide in the bathroom. i drop my bags and turn the bathtub faucets, running hot and cold water at full capacity. the sound of the water slamming against the ceramic basin helps in muffling their screams and i'm grateful. i slowly peel off my clothes, embracing the sound, imagining a crisp waterfall beside me.

having been raised in a household full of arguments i'd developed a habit of diving beneath the bathtub water to drown out the sounds. i don't know when it happen, just that it was most effective way to keep calm and keep distant. the water became another world for me.

i sit down in the bathtub, determining the water temperature and how comfortable it feels against my skin before taking a deep breath and slipping beneath the surface. only in the water can i let out all the words on my heart. with my eyes closed i listen to the words mingle with the water lapping at my ears.

_"that ice cold gaze of yours, it really exhilarates me."_

i blush.


	2. La Mer - Nine Inch Nails

**A/N: The title of each chapter will be the song I listened to while writing it. You're not obligated to listen to them, I'm just shit at titling chapters.**

La Mer – Nine Inch Nails

the morning hits me across the head like a steel frying pan. the sun seeps through the windowpane like a sick slime, oozing through the frame, sliding down and across the floor and layering thick over my eyes.

i'm already off to a bad start.

i sit up slowly and work out the kinks in my shoulders and neck, groaning at the idea of getting out of bed. my body is sore. i've been pushing myself too hard at the pool.

still, i've got to go to school otherwise i'll be the topic of discussion during tonight's argument. i head to the shower, shaking my head the entire way – attempting to rid my head of the haze surrounding it. it's now too quiet here at home. sometimes i can't ascertain whether i'm disturbed by the noise my parents make or comfortable with it. the silence brings forth the sounds of my feet creaking across the hardwood, the wind rattling the trees outside… it's actually annoying.

or maybe i'm just grumpy today.

after showering i skip breakfast, get dressed and head straight for my truck, unsure of whether or not i'm late. i close the front door behind me and lock it before turning towards the driveway.

"fucking unbelievable." i growl. edward cullen is parked in my driveway and leaning against his silver volvo, smiling at me like his presence on my property is the most natural thing in the world. from the porch stairs i take him in – his confusing copper hair, his illuminated ivory skin, his shining black shoes. but what's more is that i take in the situation. edward cullen has parked his volvo right behind my truck and effectively blocked me in.

"what the _fuck?" _i march down the stairs and to my truck, opening the door and throwing my things in the cab. calm down bella. it's too early to be this disconcerted. part of me wants to call the police and watch him be hauled away in cuffs but my father would just be upset at having to come back home for something so frivolous. i walk slow and deliberate to him, glaring daggers into his moss green eyes. he's the color of the earth and i'm besotted with water, the irony is not lost on me.

"good morning bella," he says cheerfully, "may i offer you a ride to school today?"

"no." i spit at him. "get out of my driveway, you're blocking me in."

"ah, seeing your cold brown eyes this beautiful morning really gets my heart racing." he sighs dramatically and places his hand over his heart, smiling all the while. i'm nauseated.

"you're making me sick, are you a masochist or something?" edward laughs sweetly, as though i'd uttered a hilarious private joke.

"come, i've bought us bagels and coffee."

"i'm not hungry and i don't want your roofie laced coffee. please just leave so i can get to class."

there is a long moment where edward simply stares at me as if i've said nothing at all. the sounds of the birds whistling in the trees become more apparent, as does the sound of my teeth grinding against one another.

"i don't think i've ever seen your hair dry bella swan." he reaches out to tug on a lock but i dodge him swiftly and walk to the passenger side of his car.

"hurry up and drop me off at the parking lot entrance." i slide into the volvo, slamming the door after me. the smell of cherry scented car-freshner mixed with leather wafts into my nose. i look at the backseat and then at the large paper brown bag sitting on the dashboard.

"relax, this car doesn't run like your behemoth. i'll have you at school faster than your truck can turn a corner." i open the paper bag and grab one of the soft cinnamon raisin bagels, taking a huge bite while he stares at me from the driver's seat. "you were saying something about not being hungry?"

"drive." i order in between mouthfuls.

the drive is silent and uncomfortable. i look through the window the entire time, gnawing on the bagel and listening to the sound of the water from my hair hit the smooth leather seat. i can see from my peripheral vision that edward glances at me every so often but i've no interested in becoming his play thing for the week. i just want to get to school early enough where i can sit by the pool and meditate by the water. once i finish my bagel i drink the coffee from the cup holder, burning my tongue a little as the caffeine slides down my throat. it's good, sugared and creamed just right. it's alarming how carefully crafted this breakfast is.

"how'd you know where i live anyway?" i ask, continuing my train of thought out loud.

"this isn't new york city bella," edward chuckles, "in a small town like this, it's easy to know where everyone lives."

"how long were you waiting outside?"

"only about an hour. i'd actually expected you to leave earlier, perhaps to get in an early swim session at the school pool." i set my coffee back in the cup holder, now completely creeped out.

"what's with the dedication to driving me to school and giving me breakfast?"

"you know, most women find this sort of thing charming."

"what's your ulterior motive?"

"i care about you going to school on an empty stomach bella. you know how the saying goes, breakfast is the most important meal of the day." he throws me a glance and a sharp smile, his eyes thick with coyness. i look him up and down, trying to figure him out but nothing seems to be computing. edward stops just short of the forks high school parking lot and turns to me. i watch as his smile grows wider and wider until finally, he starts laughing.

"please fill me in on what the hell is going on right now." the entire situation feels surreal. before yesterday, i'd never even spoken to the boy. i had no idea he even knew my name or was aware of my presence. and now he was plaguing me with his presence, hovering around my life like a gnat.

"aren't you forgetting something?" edward raises a thick eyebrow and stares me down, his entire face imprinted with mirth.

"what are you talking about?" i take a sip of coffee because i didn't sleep well and it's just too damned good to pass up.

"don't you feel a bit _light?_" i look down at my lap and then over my shoulder. staring at the backseat of edward's volvo, i realize i've forgotten my backpack in the cab of my truck. my face gets hot.

"_i can't believe this."_ edward roars with laughter before taking the cup of coffee from my hands and swallowing a large gulp. "what are you doing?"

"this coffee was mine the entire time, yours is still inside the paper bag." he nudges his head to the dashboard before chuckling again. "you're a mess this morning."

"did you know this whole way that i was forgetting my backpack?"

"of course i did. but i needed some incentive for you to skip school altogether. afterall, that was the plan from the start."

"_what?"_ i snatch the coffee back from edward and drink the rest of it as quickly as i can. he's to blame for my inconvenience, for my tardiness, for my irritation. had he not showed up like the fucking chickenpox i wouldn't be in this predicament. "i'm not skipping school, especially not with you."

"what's the point of going without a backpack? all your important textbooks from the night before are in there aren't they?"

"you're driving me back home where i'll get into my truck and drive _myself _to school, backpack accounted for."

"oh am i? bella, i don't know if you've noticed but _i _have my backpack. why should _i_ miss class because of _your_ absent mindedness? i am a productive member of this academic society, unlike a certain wet haired girl beside me."

"oh fuck _off," _i hiss. "what is wrong with you? you've never spoken a word to me before but suddenly you've got quips and suggestions to skip school? we're not friends!"

"but i'd like to be," he murmurs. edward unbuckles his seatbelt and leans across the car console, his face close to mine, his breath fanning coffee across my nose. "these past couple of days have been very nice. seeing you outside the school everyday during sunset. shivering under that icy stare you reserve just for me. last night while i drove lauren home i thought 'bella swan just might be the girl for me. she might just really be the one.'" his eyes lower to my lips before flitting back to my eyes. "skip school with me. if you do i'll show you something real nice."

i press my hand to his chest and roughly shove him back, grunting at the force i had to employ. he's really quite strong.

"that shit may work on the other girls in this school but your coffee is more impressive than you are edward." i blink at him as he gives me an intense gaze from the other side of the car. it's weak really. "loving someone from the surface of your soul is so absurd. no one wants something shallow enough to paddle in." edward runs his fingers through his hair before putting his seatbelt back on.

"you're very frigid. but it's so refreshing. i feel invigorated just from being rejected by you." he flashes me a wide crooked grin and then presses his foot on the accelerator. "i'm still going to show you that real nice thing though."

we speed past the school and down the winding road.


	3. Arabesque - Salyu

**A/N: No seriously, I'm not capitalizing anything. Let's chalk it up to stylized writing I guess? When I write with capital letters I tend to feel stunted and the story never progresses . Let's say that capital letters are too loud for this story and that Bella needs everything quiet and submerged underwater, okay? That's my excuse.**

**In any case, I'm really thankful for the reviews. **

Arabesque – Salyu

several times during our far-too-long-for-my-liking drive edward attempts to hold my hand across the console. he laughs as i dodge him repeatedly and begins to make a game out of attempting to catch me… until finally i sit on my fingers and deliberately turn to look out the window. the trees race past us like they're being stretched over a large pan. it feels relaxing to watch.

"we are going to have to talk to one another at some point during this trip."

"you're right. _this_ is that point during this trip."

"okay, i won't tease you anymore. i promise. besides, it's starting to become no fun, having you glare at me all the time."

"and here i thought you were just about ready to cum at the sight of it." edward laughs warmly and i hear the leather of the steering wheel squeal as he grips it.

"had i known you were like this i wouldn't have bothered with the other candidates forks high has to offer." i remain silent, staring at the trees. everything is so lush and green, moist as a freshly baked cake. i feel waterlogged just looking at the thick foliage. "so what's your favorite swimming stroke?" i look over at him for the first time to determine if he's completely serious.

"the breaststroke. it's when your arms move forward at the surface of the water and—"

"i know what it is. i also know how to swim. i prefer the sidestroke but i'm not generally invested in any specific position." his eyes remain on the road as he speaks. i place my hands in my lap and continue to look at him.

"were you a part of a swimming team before?"

"no but my sister is on the swimming team now. hearing her talk pool jargon has taught me a few things. she's your teammate i believe. alice cullen?"

"i know _of _alice cullen. we're in the same club but she's rarely at the pool at our school."

"that's probably because our parents have had an indoor pool built for her." seeing my expression when he looks over at me, he quickly recovers. "it's nothing extravagant, not olympic size. but just something for her to practice in." he take a sharp turn up a roadless pathway. i'm jostled several times in my seat before i huff and ask.

"_where _are you taking me?"

"when i first moved here, when i first met alice, she took me to this place not too far from here and told me it'd be our hideout from the 'growed ups'. we would come here, rain or shine, everyday after school." the volvo slows until edward parks beside a giant overturned tree covered in dense moss. "from here we walk about half a mile up a strong slope. it's a good thing you weren't too stubborn about not eating breakfast."

"i'd have been better off going to school." we both exit the vehicle and begin walking immediately, dancing around heavy ferns and glittering under the light peeking through the leaves. it's obvious that edward is intentionally walking slow to keep pace with me, holding up stalks of vegetation and liberating my ankles from vines. i trip numerous times along the pathway and hear my breathing become loud and labored, but edward makes no mention of it – not even a taunt. i guess he really is committing to not making fun of me, much to my chagrin. without the banter i'm forced to focus on how hot it is in this forest and how difficult it is for me to walk without incident. i slick my hair back with my sweat, tucking a few strands behind my ears.

"do you actually like school?" edward asks, his voice thoughtful. "i never see you really interact with anyone there. i figured you were always just waiting to leave."

"i neither like or dislike it. it's just a matter of course, a long winded stepping stone." i trip over a small stone and grab edward's arm instinctively to halt my fall. my greasy, sweaty hand slides down his bicep and rests on his cool forearm. "you're not hot at all?"

"a stepping stone to where? you're not planning on remaining in forks?" i let go of his forearm and grab the tree beside him. we both pause at the trunk and take a break.

"i never think of it that way. i just know that regardless of whatever i end up doing in life, education will be a vital component. there's no way of escaping it." edward hums in agreement, watching as i catch my breath and run my fingers through my hair.

"your hair isn't black."

"so?"

"so, this is monumental. i've never seen you with your hair dry, it's always wet and dark and slippery. i always thought your hair was black but it's brown. chestnut actually."

"what does this mean?"

"nothing. or something. i just feel like i'm seeing another side of you bella." slowly he steps forward, his eyes trained on me like i'm poised to pounce. i stay completely still and watch as his hand reaches forward, hovering in the air before gently running down my hair from scalp to tip. "it'd be nice if no one else could see you like this. forever." i indulge him a few moments more before stepping away.

"edward, just yesterday you were unnecessarily callous with a girl you'd previously professed undying love to. forgive me if i don't hold much stock in your compliments."

"my feelings and words are always true when i first start liking them, you know." he turns away from me and heads up the path at a faster pace, leaving me to hurry after him. "it's just that when things progress and they start to reciprocate my feelings, it goes wrong. i think about the fact that they love me and i feel disappointed. then disgusted."

"is that so." i murmur, staring at the rich color of his bronze hair in the sunlight. he says nothing more for the remainder of the walk, only looking over his shoulder a couple of times to be certain i haven't fallen into some uncharted sinkhole. i spend the walk processing my newfound information on edward cullen. commitment issues? womanizing habits disguising a deeper fatal flaw? he's managed to remain serious the entire hike but part of me is still bracing for some unwanted advances. afterall, i am alone on a hike with a young man i hardly know. and no one knows where i am. not even i know where i am. my only dependable connection to civilization right now is a seventeen year old skirt chaser.

the gravity of that information, of my irresponsibility, sinks its teeth into my flesh and gives me brief chills. despite the sweat on my forehead and neck, goosebumps sprout across my skin. edward is right. i am a mess this morning.

"just up here," edward calls from a few yards away. i notice that he begins unbuttoning his shirt and apprehension courses through me.

"_what's_ just up there?" i call back, nervously wringing the cloth of my blouse. he pauses at the base of a broken tree and sits on the trunk, removing his shirt altogether.

"hurry up, you look like you're about to have a heat stroke." when i finally reach him at the tree trunk, i'm able to see that the slope has leveled out and the density of the trees has decreased to the point of creating a small clearing. soft wild flowers dance in the breeze that now caresses and cools my face. the grass shifts and grows thicker, lush as it leads to large stillwater pond. "i'm jumping in," he says, tossing a daring look in my direction. he doesn't understand; he hasn't fully grasped the significance of water for me nor will he ever. my heartrate picks up and my mouth and skin suddenly feel dry and tight. edward and his words fade into the background, the periphery of my life. i walk through the clearing, shedding down to my bra and underwear as i get closer to the pond.

i stop at the edge, looking at the waves the wind has created for it, gazing at my muddled reflection. the stones are small and round, like little pearls rubbing against the soles of my feet. green film sits atop the water. i scatter some of it with my legs as i wade deeper into the pond, preparing my breath and my limbs for the dive in.

_push._

it's cold but welcoming. i kick my legs as hard as i can and glide beneath the surface, enjoying the nonexistent drift and the sharp sting my eyes incur from being slightly open. once i get far enough from the shore, i return briefly to the surface for another bout of air before diving back under and allowing myself to sink effortlessly. my entire body is numbed, my entire presence is muted. i blend seamlessly into the flora, relaxed and refreshed.

_what does anyone know? _the sentence sits on my chest like a small paperweight. what did edward hope to accomplish by bringing me here? what is he aware of and just how long has he been observing me? it's quite possible that almost everyone in forks knows i would enjoy a scene like this, but no one has ever extended their hand to me. no one has ever shown me anything beyond the bare minimum. so why that guy? why is it that the one who can act so coldly to those who love him is able to respond to my frostiness with warmth?

i return to the surface and swipe at my eyes, breathing deeply and admiring the landscape surrounding the pond. off into the distance i can see the mountains, regal and sharp. overhead the birds fly quietly, landing in nearby trees and squawking only occasionally. i am at peace. i turn to the shore and see edward sitting on the moist soil, allowing the water to wet his legs. even from this substantial distance i can see that his eyes are trained on me, absorbing my every move. i don't like it. i swim towards him in large breaststrokes, prepared to give him a piece of my mind.

"no wonder you're so awkward on land," he offers softly. "you're a fish. i've never seen you more graceful than when you're in the water." i wring out my hair beside him and flip it over my shoulder. "your 'black' hair is back."

"what happened to you jumping in?" i tease, sitting beside him. "afraid the loch ness would come find you?"

"i never actually swim in the pond. that was more alice's thing. i prefer to take in the larger picture than participate in the scene. you two would really get along." he turns his eyes away from me and offers them to the mountains.

"so this is where your younger sister would take you to get away. didn't your parents worry when you both were away for two long?"

for the first time, i hear edward cullen's laughter turn bitter and harsh. it startles me for a moment, so much so that i lean forward to analyze his expression. his eyebrows are furrowed, his eyes hard moss covered stones.

"they worried about alice, you mean."

"and you?"

"my parents were indifferent." i stare at him like you would a statue in an extravagant courtyard. his mouth is set in a rigid line. his nostrils are flared. this is edward's true face of irritation. of high strung annoyance.

"what were you two getting away from when you came here, if you don't mind me asking?"

"i don't think alice was really running away from anything. i just think she knew _i _needed to get away and provided the tools and destination for my escape. i used to really envy alice, almost hate her. but when she took me here and i sat at the shore and watched her swim away from me, all those feelings would melt away. and i would be able to see how hard she was trying to reach out to me. and i would be able to see how difficult i was being towards her… and for no good reason." i look towards the water, now trying to imagine tiny alice cullen slipping away from the both of us in elfin butterfly strokes. "alice and i don't have the same mother. her mother is esme, my stepmother. my mother is elizabeth, my father's former mistress."

i let a giant sigh out into the air, feeling dehydrated by the weight of his words. i dip my toes into the pond water and hum for him to continue.

"i had lived with my mother for most of my life until she gradually began to deteriorate due to her breast cancer. she wished for me to leave seattle and come to forks, to live with my father. after she passed on, i did. i was what, thirteen, fourteen? alice was eleven. i wanted to strangle her half the time. here i was, grieving over the loss of the most important woman in my life and she was asking me about whether or not i wanted to play 'barbie beauty babe salon'.

"but she was a child. and i was made to grow old before my time. i was so blinded by my jealousy of her that i wasn't able to see that she was trying to cheer me up. that was her way of bringing me joy.

"and it was hard. it _is _hard, living in a household where my mother was previously known as the homewrecker. esme does her best but sometimes the tension feels so _thick_…" he shakes his head. "i could seriously do without living there."

i sigh again and lean back, resting my head on my shoulders.

"why are you telling me this edward?" i have to go back into the water now. i have to take all of these words and leave them at the bottom of this pond.

edward leans forward, his eyes smoldering. i adjust my posture and stare up at him as he looms over and closer to me. i watch as the moss turns the stone to cream and swirls inside his sockets. it's very compelling.

"because i know for a fact that you won't pity me." his lips curl back to reveal a kind smile. "this will be our secret." he winks me at me before turning back to the mountains, now relinquishing himself to relaxation, giving the atmosphere his full attention.

i wade as deep as i can into the water before diving under and swimming away from him.


	4. Play Dead - Björk

Play Dead – Björk

the next morning edward is parked behind my truck once again, this time waiting patiently inside the car with a calm expression on his face. my chest tightens as i walk down the porch stairs with my things and i'm quieting the stirring inside me for a completely different reason now. something is unraveling, something previously packaged with air tight parameters. i climb into his car and grab the coffee out of his car's cupholder, indifferent as to whether it's his or mine.

"and a good morning to you bella." he looks me up and down before starting the car and peeling out of the driveway.

"last night i was subjected to the spanish inquisition." i grumble. i reach for the brown paper bag sitting on the dashboard and open it, inhaling the scent of fresh cinnamon raisin bagels. "my parents wanted to know how i got to school if my truck and backpack were in the still in the driveway."

"and what'd you say?"

"nothing. eventually they started arguing about who's more at fault for my lapse in attendance and all i had to do was slip out of the room." i take a large bite and turn to look out the window, my earphones already in place. i wait for edward to say something sympathetic but it doesn't happen. his nimble fingers reach forward and increase the strength of the air conditoner.

the bass behind the song i'm listening to makes the trees dance as the volvo speeds past them but edward interrupts the flow with a question.

"so are we actually going to school today?"

"of course. i won't become a deliquent like you."

"not yet anyway." he replies confidently. he spares me a glance before making a left turn. "why don't you take those earbuds out and talk to me?"

"good one." i turn the volume up and continue to look out the window, ignoring him until he pulls into his usual space in the forks high parking lot. it is when the trees twist and transition into the gawking expressions of our forks high student body that i take my earbuds out and turn to him. "no funny business when we get out of this car." i didn't want him getting any strange ideas and have everyone think we were an item.

"so you're allowing funny business _inside _the car?"

i glare at him, not a hint of laughter on my face. edward holds his hands up in surrender.

"you have my word, little fish." we exit the car and walk side by side towards the main building, subtly taking in the perplexed faces of everyone in the parking lot. we might as well be holding hands and gazing into one another's eyes, the way we're being ogled. i feel the cool façade i plastered on heating from beneath the surface, like hot jets of air being pumped into my liquid mask. i'm not so used to having everyone watch me. i look up at edward and see that he's staring fixedly at the building ahead of us, his expression relaxed but aloof. upon closer inspection i can see the slight hardening of his eyes and the way his mouth is set upon his face like a cliffside. he's uncomfortable too but just as skilled at hiding it. for a short moment, edward cullen and i are peas of the same pod. ants under a magnifying glass, scalded by the concentrated sunlight.

"you don't have to walk with me," i murmur quietly, keeping my eyes downcast and away from his face.

"i know." while walking towards my locker we walk past edward's, where lauren was waiting patiently with her most brilliant poker face before spotting me beside him. i watch with mild amusement as her expression transforms into anger resurrected from the deepest pits of hell.

"judging from the look on lauren's face, you might have to escort me to my truck this afternoon as well." his face erupts into a sunny grin, very attractive with glowing backlit green eyes.

"i've no problem with that." i almost want to give lauren a sign of some sort to assure her i'm doing nothing she wouldn't approve of. perhaps schedule her for a conference? i've tried blatantly ignoring him, i've tried rudeness and nothing seemed to be repelling him. i was losing my sense of commitment and becoming acutely aware of how my interest in him was growing. pathetic. i've watched edward cullen break hearts all over this school and still i was falling for his schemes.

edward lingers at my locker while i put my textbooks away and gather my notes for trigonometry, watching me with an embarrassingly fascinated expression. i can feel my face steadily heating, like a cool mercury thermometer place in a vat of boiling water. i can also feel my sense of irritation with him increasing. i don't like being ruffled or flustered and i don't like anyone who causes such a reaction inside me.

"don't you have somewhere else to be?" i snap, much more harsh than i'd intended but there was a sense of nervousness behind my exasperation. "like, talking to lauren over at _your _locker?"

"it's a shame we don't have any classes together, it'd be nice to walk with you through the halls again. i'd never seen such a frenzy." he turns away from me and leans against the adjacent locker, facing the hall, watching as the student body straggles along. everyone is dragging their feet to their respective classes.

"you didn't seem to be enjoying it."

"i wasn't. but i enjoy seeing you detest it, enough to go through it again." another sunny smile. "care to join me for lunch?"

"i don't eat lunch." not with you anyway. edward's cheerful smile turns into counterfeit horror.

"not only do you skip breakfast, but lunch too? looks like you're much more in need of my care than i'd originally thought." the bell rings just as i slam my locker shut and begin walking in the opposite direction of edward. it's a blessing rather than a curse that i don't have any classes with him, he's far too much of a distraction to have to deal with during my lessons. i keep my head down as i head to trig, ignoring the proverbial daggers lauren glares into my back as i walk past her. i actually feel some semblance of pity for her when i notice that she's still standing by edward's locker, probably full of all kinds of hopes and misconceptions. regardless, i put edward at the back of my mind and hurry to class. lauren serves as a lesson and a reminder of my priorities and i'm grateful for that.

the rest of the day up to lunch goes by without incident, something i'm immensely grateful for. i take my usual seat by the window and look off into the sky for most of my classes, paying attention only when homework or test material is mentioned. the teachers seem to understand that i'm far too advanced to be bothered with and only ask questions to jog me awake when i'm practically drooling on my desk during naps. i barely register the curious whispers of my fellow classmates, all buzzing with gossip and doubts about edward and his sudden interest in my existence. part of me desires to jump right into their conversations and gossip along with them, their speculations are as good as gold as of now. i have no other explanations to go on besides the one presented to me by the devil himself and his remarks are still very questionable. there is nothing exhilarating about spending the day with someone who abhors you. but perhaps edward just likes a challenge. after all, there were plenty of times where i'd seen him and lauren playing proverbial cat and mouse when i would head home after swimming. he seemed to enjoy the thrill of the chase far more than the actual conquest.

when the bell rings for lunch, i am the first one out of the classroom. ms. zhapa is barely finished explaining the latin homework before i am whizzing out the door and down the hallway, looking left and right and behind me as though i'm being hunted. and maybe i am. if i'm fast enough, i can deposit my books into my locker and hide in the girl's bathroom while edward wanders aimlessly looking for me. he'd only be able to search until the second bell before a teacher would usher him to the cafeteria. i make it to my locker in record time and before tyler crowley, my locker neighbor can even turn to me and nod hello i'm powerwalking down the hall toward's the girl bathroom. as i sit on the toilet and read the graffiti on the stall walls, my only hope is that no one has ratted my location out to edward. does he even have friends? the boys of the school envy his romantic prowess while the girls both love and hate him. i'd actually never seen him talk to anyone besides his current romantic interest. i muse over this observation for a few minutes to kill time.

well after the second bell has rung, i finally stand up, stretch my legs and head to the pool gymnasium. during lunch i tend to eat beside the pool water with the lights off, watching the waves reflect on the walls. it's relaxing and peaceful, a nice break from the loud voices of the students in the cafeteria. i hear enough yelling and screaming at home, it's hard for me to process those kinds of sounds without feeling unnecessarily anxious, regardless of whether or not they're arguments. i walk into the gymnasium and before i can even take in the beautiful view, i feel his presence behind me, leaning by the door.

"it's almost as if you have no idea how predictable you are," he says around a mouthful of what appears to be an abnormally large sandwich in his hand. "i mean, _where else _would you go to eat lunch?" his rhetorical question grates on my nerves and i stalk away from him towards the other side of the pool.

"you stay on that end and i stay on this end, got it?" i sit by the fire exit and open my bookbag, removing a large tube of pringles potato chips.

"or maybe," he continues after swallowing, "you knew i'd find you in this gymnasium and didn't care. _maybe_, just maybe, bella swan is beginning to enjoy my company."

"anyone can develop stockholm syndrome." i call from across the pool. "don't flatter yourself."

"stockholm syndrome, ouch." edward picks up his bag and walks over to my side of the pool, smiling at me the entire way. after setting his bag beside me, he squats down to his knees and looks me square in the eyes. "is that all you're going to be eating?"

"i've got a banana to prevent muscle cramps before i swim." i pull it out and peel it before taking a large bite. its texture mixed with my potato chips disgusts me.

"eat this." he tosses his half bitten sandwich into my lap and in the same second snatches my tube of pringles. "it's an egg, bacon, lettuce, tomato and grilled cheese sandwich. whole wheat bread with oats embedded in it."

"jesus, are you a marathon runner?" i swallow my banana and chips before taking a tentative bite of the sandwich. edward raises an auburn eyebrow.

"_you_ should be eating this every day. or at least something like it. no wonder you're so scrawny, all that exercise and no food."

my ego nosedives to the bottom of the pool.

"scrawny." i hum, chewing on the crust of the whole wheat oatmeal bread. "is scrawny your type now?" edward leans in closer, squinting his emerald eyes at me before rocking back onto his heels.

"i'm sorry for hurting your feelings. you're skinny but still very attractive." his eyes are full of mirth and a smile is playing on his lips. with no rebuttal, i take another large bite of his sandwich. we eat in silence for a brief amount of time. "all fish look awkward on land but glimmer and glow beneath the surface. i believe the same to be true about you." his hand sweeps my long hair off my shoulder, leaving it to rest on my curved back. my face flames, the fire traveling quickly from my neck to my hairline. i press my hand to my cheek and feel my skin blaze.

what am i doing? and what is he doing? and what does this mean? nothing good can come of this and i am in no position to deal with anymore emotional baggage than what i've got on my plate. everything needs to stay beneath the water, saturated and cemented to the bottom. i cannot handle something like this and he cannot handle someone like me. why are we even here?

a panic starts to build inside me and i know it's time for a swim. i hand edward his sandwich and begin peeling off my clothes, not even bothering to use the locker room and change into my swim uniform. he watches me without a word and i do not look in his direction; i just dive and swim, swim as far down as i can, riding along my own waves by bending and twisting my body to dance with the current. when i reach the base of the pool, i bend my legs and have a seat, instantly relaxed by the cool water and the sound of the water lapping at me. looking up i can still make out edward's messy copper hair and his face; his gaze pierces the water like a bullet, observing me and rendering me uncomfortable. i rotate and turn away from him before closing my eyes and free floating to the surface.

only underneath the water can the outside world and all its people mean nothing to me. even edward in all his glory fades away. everyone is water soluble, everyone is capable of disintegrating before my very eyes.

_calm down._

there is no noise, no pressure, no chaos. of all the things that are, water is constant. i need to be like it. i need to be unphased and unscathed. i need to be permeable, penetrable. i need for everything to pass through me harmlessly and without notice.

when i've barely any air i swim to the surface and reemerge with a gasp. edward hasn't moved a bit, only his expression has changed into something unreadable – incomprehensible. i swim over to him and climb out of the pool, breathing harshly but much more relaxed than before. it's then that i notice all of his things have been packed away, returned to his backpack. my cylinder of pringles is sitting beside my pile of clothes, capped. he turns to me and in a flash his index finger is beneath my chin and tilting my head up. it is then that i notice how very tall edward is.

"it wouldn't kill you." he says quietly, his eyes roaming my face. for a second i watch him, drinking me in like a fountain, his finger having brought me mere centimeters from his ripe lips. then i remember myself and everything that comes with that. and then i jerk my head away from him and look at the water. edward chuckles, only it's hollow and there is clearly nothing funny around. i hear him haul on his backpack before standing.

for another moment the room is full. it is edward, the pool and this body of water. then it is just me. and being alone doesn't feel so great anymore.


	5. FKA x inc - FKA x inc

FKA x inc. – FKA x inc.

after finishing lunch alone and thoughtful, i leave the pool room and head to my next class. something about edward's exit felt gravitational and sad, something about the way he spoke to me felt too wet and weighed me down. walking to biology feels like wading through a thick swamp, a large maze inside edward's irises. i finish the rest of the school day in a slight haze, ignoring mr. banner's complaints concerning the water dripping from my hair, ignoring the continuous whispers now that edward _isn't _by my side, ignoring the foggy numbness that was seeping through the water inside me and filling my lungs to full capacity. when the dismissal bell rings, i've not seen edward once since lunch ended. the implication of his absence settles uncomfortably at the base of my stomach but there is also a quiet voice that comforts me for having already dealt with the inevitable. i walk towards the pool room, my eyes downcast, deep in thought.

i mean, seriously, what other outcome could have come about? if he'd been hoping to talk his way into my pants he was sorely mistaken, and surely after realizing this himself he'd have grown tired of me and found another puzzle to solve. really, his enigmatic tantrum was saving us a lot of trouble and irritation.

i walk into the locker room and ignore the curious faces of all the girls around me, heading to my locker to change into uniform. the atmosphere feels tense and almost mocking, probably due to the mounting paranoia inside me. of all edward's interests, i was the most shortlived. i wonder if that is what my teammates are whispering about while i walk down the aisle; my incompetence, my appearance, my disposition…

alice cullen is waiting by my locker today – a tiny, delicate girl with an impish smirk, her colorful eyes too large for her face and too fierce for her body. the strength of her stare is a contradiction to her lithe form. her obsidian hair is gelled and spiked in all directions, like molded igneous rock. it really was an incredibly smart decision for her to dye it at the beginning of her freshman year. the blackness offsets her multicolored eyes perfectly; highlighting the hazel mixture and how the brown blends into green and into blue as you get farther from her pupils and deeper into her irises. she's leaning against my locker as though we've been friends for years and her comfortability in this annoys me. it's too reminiscent of her older brother which brings my mind back to his words…

"_it wouldn't kill you."_

i can't wait to dive into the water and bury those words beneath the waves.

"bella." she says casually. i open my locker and toss my backpack inside before hauling off my shirt.

"it seems i've dropped one cullen and picked up another." i grumble, pulling down my pants.

"my brother giving you problems? then again, if he weren't i probably wouldn't be having a conversation with you. he sort of put me up to this."

"did he? well, your shift is done for the day. i'll put in a good word for you. you're free to go." i turn away from her then, mildly offended that it took a word from edward to get her to talk to me. looks like edward was meddling in all my affairs now.

"that's not what i meant," she mumbles but i'm already tuning her out and slipping on the tight lycra brand suit provided to us by the school back when they had high hopes for the popularity of our team. new members are now required to purchase their own suits as we're no longer capable of sponging any more money from the budget. i open my locker door wider, blocking her face and providing myself with privacy as i adjust the corners and creases of my suit. i allow alice's voice to drain into the mundane chatter behind me and begin pinning my hair up for for my swim cap. it doesn't matter what she meant. soon enough she'll filter back into the student body just like her disingenuous older brother.

a loud bang echoes off the locker door beside me and reverberates off the locker room walls. all the voices cease and their owners look in my direction. i in turn peel back my locker door to look at alice.

"so like i was _saying_," she grinds out through her straight, white teeth, "it's really rude to ignore someone who's trying to talk to you." the atmosphere in the room turns to one of acute interest. everyone is tuning in to our conversation. holding on to the door, i lean closer to her, extremely annoyed.

"i have no intention of being nice to you." i whisper. i'm confused now. was i supposed to make an effort to befriend her? were we supposed to bond and become pseudo-sisters, erroneously connected over edward cullen?

or worse: was i supposed to want to talk to her? does he think i'm lonely, that bastard with no sense of personal boundaries? what if the two of them just pity me from afar and what if edward finally got tired of his charity case? a sharp sting pinches the flesh of my chest and slices me open. slowly the girls turn towards each other and begin talking again, adjusting their suits and pinning their hair. alice stops leaning on the lockers and places her hands on her hips before bending her upper body towards me.

"yesterday edward said something to me that made me very interested in talking to you. he said we both believed we were better than everyone else and refused to talk to anyone because of it. i didn't talk to you for the same reasons you didn't talk to me; i believed you were boring, generic and stagnant – sleepwalking like everyone else in this school. and i'm sure you think that of me." i close my locker door and lean against it, looking at alice, really _looking _at her.

"so you're saying you're _not _boring, generic and stagnant?"

"what i'm saying is, i'm willing to give you a chance to prove me wrong if you're willing to give me a chance to prove you wrong." a laugh spills through my mouth and drips onto the floor before i can stop myself. alice smiles and sighs, visibly relieved. "i'll take that as a yes." she picks up her swim cap off the bench in front of her and jams it onto her head. "i hope edward hasn't put you off the cullen family for good."

"very nearly," i say, still smiling as i put my swim cap on as well. i begin walking towards the pool room and she follows my lead, easily keeping up pace.

"i wouldn't blame you. more than half the girls in this school won't even look in my direction." for a brief moment i look over at alice, curious and thoughtful. that must be hard, having the weight of your brother's reputation bearing down on your ability to make friends with everyone else. and i was almost cast into the category of those girls as well – i was willing to punish alice for her brother's rudeness with me earlier.

"i'm sorry." i murmur, embarrassed.

"oh it's all right, i don't really think about it too much. i'm sure i'm not missing out on any scintillating conversations."

the pool room is empty save for a few of the girls on the team, all of which are sitting on several of the benches and prattling away. getting dressed into their suits is all for show. the swim club is the easiest way to earn extra curricular credit for the least amount of labor, the biggest bang for your buck. even our coach is late on a regular basis, having much better things to do than watch a bunch of disinterested teenagers swim from one end of the pool to the other. alice and i stand side by side, silent as we watch the water ripple and reflect onto the walls.

"i'll race ya," alice says suddenly, adjusting her swim cap.

"i'm not really into the racing thing." i admit. "i'm just here for the swimming itself."

"okay….then, i'll swim ya!" before i can say anything alice dives like a ribbon fluttering before turning to steel and piercing the surface. within a second she's beneath the water and gliding more beautifully than i ever could. i quickly follow behind her, smiling as the water engulfs my body. i've never shared a moment like this with anyone. i wonder if she feels the intense clarity i feel as i deprive myself of oxygen and enjoy the cooling sensation on my skin and the burning sensation in my lungs. i wonder if alice also emerses herself not just in water, but in another dimension. i swim after her as she races to the surface for another breath of air, relaxed and placated by the watery film over my eyes as i follow her form. she looks like something out of a mythical story, a waterborn creature gone to the surface to indulge the humans. soon after she dives back down i'm breaking the surface and inhaling another breath as well. leisurely, i swim behind her, alternating between butterfly and breast strokes respectively. alice reaches the end of the pool after another surface break and then turns to me, a large grin plastered on her face. she's pulled off her swim cap and motions for me to do the same. her hair looks like a frame of darkness, elongated by the water and outlining her pale face. i stifle a giggle in my chest at the two bubbles lodged in both her nostrils and swim over to her smiling. part of me wants to be able to lie at the bottom of the pool with alice. we'd be quiet as mice, staring at the ceiling through the eight feet of water. i wave at her, slowed down by the drag of the waves, before taking off my swim cap and brushing my hair out of my face. alice takes both of my hands and together we spin around in a slow circle, laughing internally. it's almost bizarre, the level of connection i feel with her, especially since i previously loathed the idea. i no longer want to bury her brother's words in the cement at the base of the pool. i know what he meant and i know that he's right. it wouldn't kill me to get close to someone, to open up and share a part of me with a person around me. and in this moment i'm able to recognize the potential for alice cullen and i. the water is her sanctuary as well and i feel it has been for a long time. with our left hand fingers locked and our swim caps mangled between the palms of our right hands, we swim to the surface, moving our legs in synchronization. as soon as we reach the air we burst into laughter, giggling and sputtering water like a bunch of childhood friends. nothing is heavy, everything is light and feathery, like living on another planet. the fog from my chest is gone and replaced with the same bubbles as the ones in alice's nostrils. the feeling is wonderful but only lasts for a moment.

alice and i both turn our heads when the entrance door slams shut. the sound echoes as our coach walks into the room, munching happily on what appears to be a large muffin. edward cullen is following closely behind her, smiling at me with a large brown bag in his hand.


	6. The Taste of Blood - Jozef Van Wissem

**A/N: Short chapter. You've been warned. I tried to make it longer but I realized it was only out of kindness, not out of necessity. I can't sacrifice the flow for your satisfaction, otherwise I'll fuck up my pace and we'll end up at a dead end. Does that make sense? I'm a sensitive writer. Don't worry, I'm already working on the next one. **

The Taste of Blood – Jozef Van Wissem & SQÜRL

there is that sinking feeling that permeates my system when alice cullen untangles her hand from mine and swims to the pool edge, her black hair shiny and slicked back like a dark sweet seal underwater. it is the feeling of manipulation, one i recognize all too well from a difficult childhood with my chaotic parents. it's as if all the euphoria i'd previous experienced was synthetic and injected into me by edward, another shrewd attempt of his to get closer to me and the zipper on my jeans. as i follow alice to the edge of the pool i feel small and immature, like a fetus removed from a womb, under-developed and easily mangled. how disgusting of him. how utterly disgusting.

"ladies!" coach shouts, her mouth still full of her muffin. "edward here has volunteered himself to be our personal poolboy for the remainer of the school year! isn't that lovely of him?" the girls burst into laughter but are hyperaware of edward and his charming good looks. they wave from their various seats inside the room, batting their eyelashes and smoothing their suits with their hands. only a few of them stick out among the throngs of interested young women, repulsed and obviously bitter.

"did you lace her muffin?" alice jokes as she climbs out of the pool. edward chuckles and ruffles her hair, spiking it up once again. his eyes never leave mine as he talks with alice, strong and compelling as though they're trying to hold me in place. i stalk past him, running my fingers through my water-webbed hair, the sound of my soggy feet hitting the ground as loud in my ears as i'm sure it is to him. i hear him abruptly end his chatter with alice and jog after me.

"i didn't lace her muffin," edward says, smiling at me. "but i did bring you one." he opens the brown bag and retrieves it. i can smell the cinnamon and blueberries; the enticing scent wafts into my nose and i begin to walk faster.

"i don't care. fuck off." i look over my shoulder to see alice slipping back into the pool and our coach babbling with the other girls on the bench. perhaps i can slip away unnoticed and uncared for. my stomach feels a little unsettled and i'm actually interested in going home.

like he's being paid by the hour, edward keeps up with me. he stuffs the muffin back into the brown bag but keeps his eyes on me. i look up at him and watch his thick eyebrows furrow.

"what's the matter?" he asks innocently. it infuriates me even more. i roll my eyes at him and open the gym door, indifferent to the fact that i'm still in my swimsuit. i stalk down the hallway, dripping, my hands folded and my lips pursed. "where are you going?"

"none of your business. the 'fuck off' offer from thirty seconds ago is still on the table."

"you're really giving me emotional whiplash, i swear."

that does it. i round on him, my finger pointing at his face, sharp as a knife.

"_i'm _giving _you _emotional whiplash?" my voice is lethally quiet yet poignant.

"_yes._" edward sighs and his shoulders rise and fall in tandem with his breath. "i've been trying to navigate you for the past few days and it's been…brutal."

"you know what's fucking _brutal _edward? having a _friend _turn his back on you and leave you emotionally vulnerable just so he can sneak his spiky haired sister into the picture with minimal resistance. i think that's pretty fucking mean. leaving me to spend the rest of the day wondering about you and where you are while feeling like _shit, _right after planting the seeds of pseudo-friendship into alice's head and sending her in my direction. you're a real piece of work." i jab him in the cheek with my finger and he flinches away from me but remains quiet. "i don't want to be some pitiful fucking project, i don't want you to assume i'm socially inept and incapable of forming relationships where i see fit."

"i was only trying to help. not just you, but my sister."

"i felt _stupid_," i hiss. "watching you walk into the gym with a bag of muffins like everything between us is hunky dory. you _played me for a fool._ helping is not treating someone like a developmentally challenged infant." my heart is pounding in my chest and my legs feel like i've been hiking up a twenty mile hill. my mouth is dry but my throat is slick with acid. it's not just edward or alice, it's my life, it's my lack of control, it's the screaming in my head that won't fucking go away or die down…

"they're still real emotions, even if i helped put them there. i saw you with alice. laughing. happy. they don't become plastic store bought feelings just because you found out that i pulled some strings to make them happen." edward wraps his hand around my index finger and pulls me to him, his green eyes earnest. his hand is warm and pulsing with blood. "why can't you put me aside and look at the moment for what it is?"

"because i'm a _fucking person_!" i shout, wrenching myself away from him. my voice echoes throughout the hall. "_not _your fucking _chess piece_! and so are all the other girls you've twisted and turned and set back on the shelf after you were done with them! they can't go back and look at the moments for what they were and neither can i!" i'm breathing heavily, out of breath and angry. edward's eyebrows are still furrowed, his eyes still muddied from his misunderstanding. he doesn't get it. he really doesn't see where he went wrong.

and will he ever? my parents haven't.

the gym door opens and shuts and it's alice; fully dressed, walking down the hall with my clothes bunched up in her hand.

"i told the coach you were sick and needed your things to go, so she opened your locker for me. i hope you don't mind." i clear my throat and attempt to regain composure but it's edward, it's the way he unravels things inside of me only to spit all over them. i want to slap him and hug him. i'm torn. alice reaches us and looks at me long enough to sense that something is wrong. she immediately rounds on edward, her face set in a horrible glare. "what the hell have you done now? why is she crying?" i grab my clothes out of her hand and quickly slip them over my swimsuit. was i crying? i swipe at my face with my hands and look at the wetness on my fingers, unsure of whether it's pool water or tears. i can't remember the last time i've cried. edward says nothing – nothing to me and nothing to alice. he only stands there, his hands clenched into tight fists, his eyebrows furrowed and his eyes locked on me. alice jumps up for reach and slaps the back of his head, attempting to bring him back down to earth. he opens his mouth to reply to her but i've already walked away from him. i can vaguely hear the janitor cursing after me through the thick water shrouding my head.


End file.
